Today, I’d like to share with y’all one of the most transformative relationship skills that I teach clients—how to listen. Specifically, how to really listen non-defensively.
Practicing this self-less act of listening to your partner daily has the power to greatly impact the quality of your relationship.
So, before you say “duh, I already know how to listen”, hear me out. Maybe you’ll learn or be reminded of a piece of listening that you forgot.
First and foremost, get away from distractions as much as possible. Put your phone down. Turn off the TV. Wait ‘til the kids are distracted or asleep.
Then, it may help to engage your partner by asking a question. Here are some examples:
- “How was your day (really)?”
- “What is the main thing you’re focusing energy on lately?”
- “What would you like to do more of?”
- “What, if anything, is causing you stress or worry lately?”
Then, once they start talking, it’s time to be a listening superhero. Do not listen to respond with your two cents. Put your own agenda and your own perspective aside for a few minutes. (This is the non-defensive part. It’s not about you right now.)
Next, really listen. While listening, try to get the most accurate and thorough understanding of your partner’s inner world—what is important to them about this? What are they afraid of or worried about? Try your best to imagine what life looks like through their eyes.
The ability to do this is at the core of compassion and empathy.
Show interest—make eye contact, nod. When they pause, express your understanding by paraphrasing or reflecting back what you hear them saying. Score some bonus points if you can validate their perspective by saying “that makes sense to me” or “I totally get how you’d feel like that”.
Finally, some common pitfalls to avoid:
- don’t try to “fix it” or give them advice unless they specifically ask for it
- always take their side if they are describing a conflict between them and another person
- if life happens and you get interrupted and can’t finish the conversation, ask if you can continue it at a later time (and plan when that time will be)
Then, it’s your turn. Ask your partner if you can talk to them about something important to you now. This type of two-way openness with your partner fuels closeness and connection.
With gratitude,
Nicole