Are you setting your partner up for failure?

If you’ve been in a relationship– any relationship, you’ve inevitably experienced being hurt or disappointed by another person.

That’s not me being a pessimist, it just happens, even in the best relationships– because you’re human and (I’m assuming) so is your partner.

However, if you’re in a caring relationship, you are probably both aiming to maximize happiness and minimize these moments of misery.

I don’t know many people who go into a relationship thinking “Gee, I’m going to do everything I can to let my partner down and make them feel miserable and alone!” More often, people want to please and support their partner, but don’t know how.

So, let’s talk about how you might be unknowingly setting your partner up to disappoint or hurt you.

A major key to feeling loved, appreciated, and supported by your partner is that your partner knows what makes you feel loved, appreciated, and supported. 

Duh, right?!? But really— they have to know how to make you feel good! And they may need some guidance on that point, because you are unique. (Note– even if they’ve been with you for 50 years, you’re not the same you that you were yesterday, and your needs may change.)

So, honestly ask yourself this question– Am I being clear with my partner about what I need, expect, and want?

And don’t be tempted to use “but they should just know!” as a justification. It’s not fair to expect your partner to be a mind reader. Your partner is a unique person, who grew up in a unique family, who has had unique life experiences, and a unique way of seeing things– many of these quite different than yours. Just because something is obvious to you, doesn’t necessarily mean your partner should “just know.”

Luckily, you are an incredible expert on you and what you need. And when you share with your partner what you need, beautiful things can happen. You just gave them the key to success with you!

Imagine your partner trying to navigate a maze, and turning down each potential path trying to reach you, but finding dead ends more often than not. Your partner is getting frustrated. Maybe your partner gave up a long time ago and they are just sitting in the maze feeling lost. But by telling them what you need, you give them the map they need to reach you— what to do to make you feel loved and cared for!

Sure, your partner can choose to use the map or not. That is their choice. But it’s your choice to give them the chance.

Ready to try it out?

Approach your partner at a time when they are available to listen. It may help to prepare them to listen by asking “can I share with you something that’s important to me?”  Keep a calm tone and just go for it– tell them what you want! It’s important to not be critical or make it about them- keep it simple and focus on you and your needs.

Here are some examples to get your wheels turning:
– “I need to cuddle more.”
– “I need some quiet time alone when I first come home.”
– “I need to hear from you that you appreciate my contributions to our family.”
– “I need you to listen without giving advice.”
– “I need you to ask me how my day has been and ask me questions.”

And some hints:
– Try stating what you DO want, such as  “Please come home on time”, rather than what you DON’T want, like ” I don’t want you to come home late.”
– Be careful not to criticize your partner. Just stick with what you want, and don’t go into attacking them for not giving it to you. I can almost guarantee your partner won’t listen if you start into attack mode. And you want them to listen, right?

For more examples of expressing needs, check out the Gottman Institute’s Expressing Needs app for iPhone here  or for Android here.

With gratitude,

Nicole

 

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