“HE’S JUST NOT LISTENING!”
Have you heard yourself utter these words in frustration after a conflict discussion with your partner?
It’s easy to feel angry and vilify your partner in these moments. But I’m going to challenge you to take a step back and observe the interaction like you’re a fly on the wall, with no emotional investment in the conversation—just look at it and pay attention to what you see and hear yourself saying.
As humans, there are a few specific things (that often come up in conflict discussions between partners) that severely limit our ability to listen and think rationally. These things boil down to feeling attacked. When you feel attacked, your rational empathetic part of your brain shuts down and your primal fight-or-flee part of your brain takes over. This served humans very well evolutionarily, when the attack or “threat” was a hungry mountain lion and we had to fight or flee to survive—but what happens now when the mountain lion is actually your partner?
Well, basically the same thing—you perceive the attack, and your brain tells you to either fight (aka get defensive, argue, or maybe even become violent) or to flee (aka shut down, withdraw, or give the cold shoulder). You are definitely not being a good listener or a rational thinker—and in that moment you CAN’T be because that part of your brain just powered off.
OK—back to you wanting to really be heard. Because what you have to say is important, darn it!
Here’s the secret—if you want your partner to be able to hear you, you have to avoid sending them to that fight-or-flee state where they feel attacked.
If you criticize your partner (ladies, we’re notoriously bad at this), that will likely lead straight to them feeling attacked—and then, BAM, done listening.
The great news here is that this is something that, with practice, you can do that has the potential to greatly improve your communication with your partner.
So, here are some practical tips to try when talking to your partner in a way that makes it possible for them to really hear you:
- Avoid criticizing your partner. As a general rule, don’t use “you statements”, such as “you overreacted when we were running late.” (If it starts with “you…” beware!)
- Instead use “I statements”. Focus on how you feel and how you perceive the situation, such as “I felt hurt when I heard you say…”
- Avoid the words “always” and “never”—these often are paired with criticism, and exaggerating opens the door for argument.
- Avoid condescending or contemptuous comments. It’s incredibly hard to listen to someone who is talking to you like they think they are better than you—this makes most people jump straight to defensive mode.
- Avoid attacking your partner as a person, with statements such as “you’re lazy” or “you’re a slob”—instead focus on their behaviors that bother you.
- If you notice your partner is getting in defensive mode or is getting very upset, then take a break for at least 30 minutes and come back to the conversation later when you are both calm.
I hope these tips help you to navigate your next discussion with your partner. They do take practice, and as many things go, are “easier said than done.” But this stuff is worth the effort, and I’ve seen it make huge changes for partners throughout my work with couples.
For more relationship tips and encouragement, follow me on facebook @achieveconnection
With gratitude,
Nicole