No, I’m not talking about a weekly meeting with your therapist.
You don’t need a therapist to do this– just you, your partner, and an hour a week.
I’m talking about scheduling a weekly meeting where you and your partner sit down and discuss what is going well and not-so-well in your relationship. Committing to having this conversation once per week can make a huge impact on how you deal with difficult times and conflict as a team.
The weekly meeting is a great time to reconnect after a stressful or chaotic week. It is also a powerful tool to check in with your partner and get on the same page, so that you can face the upcoming week as a team.
Renowned relationship researcher and therapist, John Gottman, calls this the “State of the Union” meeting. Let me walk you through the basic structure that Gottman recommends for these weekly meetings.
Step One:
Start by discussing what has been going well! Take turns giving five appreciations of your partner (such as “I appreciate that you did the laundry” or “Thank you for working hard to provide for our family”).
Step Two:
Discuss any issues that have come up recently or things that aren’t going well. Take turns speaking and listening. Be careful to use “I statements” and not to criticize your partner when you are the speaker. Listen without becoming defensive and focus on trying to understand your partner’s perspective when you are the listener. (Read more specifics about how to do this effectively here and here.) Then, engage in problem-solving as a team, if needed.
Step Three:
End the meeting by taking turns asking “how can I make you feel loved this week?”
Try it out for a few weeks, and see for yourself if a weekly meeting makes a difference in your relationship. Happy meeting!
Note: If you and your partner are struggling to connect emotionally, have discussions without fighting, or are just stuck in a negative cycle—seeking additional help may be beneficial to turn things around. Reach out to us here to find out if couples counseling would be a good fit for you.
With gratitude,
Nicole